Deep Healing Happens in Private

I've pulled back from sharing about my healing journey (or whatever you wanna call it) a lot through the last half year or so. 

It's not that I don't have things I'd love to share with you all... I've got a little journal full of ideas and in my opinion, pretty good information. But, I'm in no rush. For once, I'm letting it happen without my forced timing. 

And honestly, I've needed to step back the last few months. Simply because I realized that a lot of the deep healing happens in private. It's not all about the surface, the things I can show. It's not the medications, injections, IVs. It's not always voicing every emotion, every decision, every step forward or backwards. 

Healing can be a private friendship you create with yourself. It's willing to go back to the places that hurt the most. It's a dedication to stripping down to your bones, and still feeling strong. It's giving up your control again and again. It's accessing deep, and sometimes dark, layers. It's going places that are very hard to go. It's a willingness to try. To let go. To live lightly. It's a process of developing unwavering trust. 

It's taking chances. 

It's dismantling fear. 

It's fucking everything. 

True healing is life long if you do it right. Because healing is your growth. It's your evolution. 

I'm in this for the long haul. Who's with me?

Facing Reality: "You Are Loved"

I often think, "this is not how it's supposed to be." "No, World. No, God. No, Universe, you got this one wrong." We plan, we coordinate, we line the pieces up ever so perfectly just to have them wiped up from their surface, tumble through air, falling one by one to the ground as it takes our breath.

"Surely, this can't be how it's supposed to be." 

I'm embarrassed, because sometimes I feel really sorry for myself. Sometimes I feel abandoned by God... and that... that's the first time I've ever written that. So, I started screaming. Crying. "Show me you give a damn!" And then, again, just like the last time I threw my hands in the air and said "NO MORE!" ... There it was. That something that reminded me that love, and light, and realness, and magic, and safety... and hope... they're still here. Maybe you find it in sunshine, the way the clouds part in the sky. Maybe you find it in a raindrop, the very one that hits perfectly on the top of your nose. Maybe you see it in a loved one's eyes, the way they hold you, so your body can finally stop holding itself. 

And so you remember, again and again. It all lives: above the rainfall, along the wind, and in your skin. Yes, your fear and pain live here, too; but trust me, the good stuff goes deeper. Living in your bones, ready to be called. Scream if you have to, but a whisper will do, too. "You are loved."

Photo by Chloe O'Neill (More Than Lyme)

Photo by Chloe O'Neill (More Than Lyme)

Oceanside Portrait Shoot with Jessie Shaw (The Island, My Home)

Back in August, my friend Jessie came down to the Texas Coast to coach a swim meet. She's getting back into portrait photography, so she snapped a few shots near where I live. I was really excited about this because it's a short walk to the ocean and I wanted to capture the beauty of the place that's helped heal, change, and challenge me this past year. 

I've talked a lot about what "home" means to me -- on this blog, and often in little snippets on my Instagram. I've been hesitant to claim anywhere lately as such because, well, I've felt rather displaced. When I became too sick to live on my own in Austin, I moved back to my family's ranch in North Texas. Austin was the first place I lived on my own as an adult, and it was extremely hard leaving that life behind. I told myself I'd be back soon, but months went by, my illness unfortunately progressed, and I, overtime, had to let go of the life that existed before I became very ill. 

Last May (2015), I moved down to my family's little cottage by the sea on the Texas Coast, and I've since treated this little island as my home-base. It's a small town, without much access (fairly miraculous I've been able to access acupuncture and a body worker who specializes in chronic pain and practices reiki). But living by the water, as expected, has been extremely therapeutic for me. I'm a pisces through and through (hey, water sign), and feel most at peace, most myself, and most at-home near water. This past year has also been the first time I've spent substantial amounts of time alone since becoming very ill. It was, at the time, unknowingly helping build back my confidence. There was a time in my life where I couldn't stand long enough to make a salad, safely get back to my bed after a detox bath without blacking out, or drive my car. So living on my own for weeks (sometimes up to over a month) at a time, was definitely a necessary jump toward finding new boundaries, and taking the steps toward becoming an empowered adult(ish) again. I'm still fairly nomadic, in that it's pretty rare that I'm in any one place for more than a few weeks at a time, but this past summer, I was able to consolidate most of my belongings. I've let go of a lot of my things, and truly, felt a weight off my shoulders. For the past 2 1/2 years, I've had things in several cities across Texas. I felt so displaced, unorganized, and know it contributed to an overall unbalance of my system.

This May (2016), I packed up my childhood room at my family's ranch (my parents are getting ready to sell and transition to their next phase in life), and I finally cleared out my storage unit in Austin -- selling or donating most of the items I accumulated over the six years I lived there: the first couch I bought with my own money, art work I've created, art I've purchased, tons of knickknacks I've collected through travels and thrifting, and furniture I repainted and remodeled -- I kept my favorites and released the rest. I say release because it was just as much as an energetic release as it was a physical one.

It's been emotional, of course. I saw me in so many of these material items. "They are just things," I'd remind myself. But I think part of me felt like I was letting go of who I was - the young woman who was freshly out of college, working full-time, with so many wonderful plans and adventures planned ahead. (I was so type-A. Everything was planned. Oh, how I've learned to tune into my free spirited nature.)

But who I was is only part of who I am now. And for the first time, I'm really acknowledging and paying tribute to the woman I am becoming. 

Here's some of my favorite photographs from my portrait shoot with Jessie -- in the Gulf of Mexico, on the jetty, and along the sand dunes which home beautiful sunflowers and a mix of natural herbs and salty air that create the most wonderful scent I've ever smelled.

Check out her blog and Facebook for more!

Coming Alive (Part 1)

I know what it feels like to be sad, to feel loss, that pang-in-your-chest-knot-in-the-stomach kind of sadness. The kind of sadness that brings on real, physical pain. 

But what I had grown even more afraid of was my visitor of numbness. A side of depression that isn't talked about as much. An emptiness that threatens your aliveness. 

I think many of us have had moments when we look into the mirror and question who we see. We ask "how am I alive right now... why... am I alive right now?" And if you haven't, I don't know, maybe this article isn't for you.

I'm talking about the bitterness that you can't quite place, because rather than actually feeling, it's the absence of emotion - it's the absence of life. 

I've suffered from clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder (along with bouts of mania and panic disorder) for much of my life, but I was officially diagnosed when I was 19. Honestly, I just figured that's how everyone lived and felt. It took me 19 years and a trip to the ER before I realized, oh -- maybe this isn't normal...

I remember going to the university therapist, the first mental health professional I'd ever met. I remember saying, "no matter if everything is going 'well' with my life, I can't imagine what it would feel like to be happy - truly happy." I would think about my future and be incapable to visualize what 'being happy' even looked like.

Just writing that breaks me. I was on the brink of entering my 20's and I, many times, just wanted to die. I don't know why. I couldn't explain why I felt so empty and so alone -- I had great friends with a wide social network, a loving boyfriend; I was attending (and educationally thriving) at one of the best public universities in Texas. But I also didn't realize how physically sick I was back then. I do remember sitting in my closet, sobbing, telling my boyfriend at the time that something was very wrong with me. I told him I thought that I was sick, but I didn't know what it was. I remember thinking, "it's like a ticking time bomb... one day I'm going to get really sick. I'm going to get cancer--or something..." Yeah, it sounded crazy, but I guess I wasn't too far off. Because about 3 years later, my body collapsed with what we now call Late-Stage Lyme Disease (to me, known as Complex Chronic Illness/MSIDS). Maybe it was my intuition saying "WAKE UP! Listen to me! This is going to get very bad!" But, who has time to listen to your body when you're trying to get that 4.0, build a resumé in a time of economic decline, and -- to be honest -- party through the weekends?

I was immediately placed on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications to help quell my panic attacks. My episodes were so extreme that I often couldn't go to class. The attacks would come out of nowhere -- I would hyperventilate; my oxygen levels would decline... I would lose feeling in my limbs; my chest would hurt so severely I was sure I was having a heart attack. Sometimes I would black out. My best friend Amanda would skip class with me and crawl into my bed so I wouldn't be left alone. We'd watch The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink on my computer. She'd bring me food, and we'd have hot tea. I don't know if I would've made it through that semester without her. 

The extreme panic disorder came and went throughout my twenties, but there was always an underlying presence of anxiety in many parts of my day. I was off and on pills, and in and out of mostly unhelpful therapy. Honestly, our culture has made living on Xanax, coffee, and very little sleep perfectly "okay". And while more and more people are speaking out about mental illness in a variety of ways, which does help de-stigmatize it, I was living life on the edge of a complete collapse. I thought, well, this is just how I have to feel. I can't be weak... And like I've said before, there is often a perceived strength in people who just push their way through their lives. I was prepared to let the world harden me, and I was going to carve out a life for myself based on society's ideals of what I should be at twenty-something years old. 

In my mid twenties I began noticing the other side of depression - the side that brings apathy, desensitization... Sure you're walking around, you're "present," but your spirit is paralyzed within you. It inhibits your ability to give and accept love. It traps you in a box where you're distant from everything that is breathing and alive. You're existing, but that's about it.

Every now and then, maybe you'll catch a glimpse of a spark -- something will give you goosebumps, someone will make you laugh until you cry, or maybe they'll hold you close enough and long enough to where your walls will start to come down. Now let me clarify, so much of this is subconscious. No one wants to be unloved. No one wants to be a shell. No one wants to be empty and alone.

I didn't have a word for these feelings until about a year and a half ago: Depersonalization. I'd find myself in situations and actually feel like I was watching myself, rather than being inside my own body. My actions were sometimes entirely separate from my thoughts. Visually, I felt like I saw life with weird, fucked up, distortions. Like I was watching the world, without being part of it. Like I was trapped behind a thick glass, air running low, suffocating with my own breath.

I haven't really shared many of these feelings publicly, so I do apologize if it comes as a shock to some. But these feelings would come and go. For weeks on end I wouldn't feel much, and then suddenly, I'd be on the beach, toes deep in the sand with winter ocean water splashing up on my knees and I'd snap back into my body. "Ok, maybe I can do more than just exist," I'd think.

I've been terrified to say that maybe, some of these feelings have left me for good. I'm scared because they've always found a way to come back. I don't know what makes this time different, but I know I didn't get here on my own.

However, what I am about to share is important: Some of these feelings are okay. Being comfortable and unquestioning is a luxury to those who plan to stay where they are. And chances are, you're not one of those people. This is part of our soul's evolution. Sure, at times, these places we find ourselves in are dark, lonely, confusing, and so uncomfortable you want to crawl out of your skin. But please, just hang tight, because I promise you, it's not forever. 

Now, to feel anxiety, and experience depression, depersonalization, or anything along those lines is not your fault, and I'm not telling you to just get used to it. What I'm telling you is this - just listen. Listen to these messages your body is communicating to you. Become intensely "okay" with being in your body -- feeling or not feeling a variety of emotions -- and simply, just be ready to listen.

I didn't reach this without professional help, and I'm still navigating my way through it all, but now I know: aloneness doesn't have to exist for me, or for you. 

As we evolve into higher levels of consciousness, we'll continuously reach places of "holy fuck this is so uncomfortable!" but I really believe it's those moments that force us to pick up our roots, and find better suited places that support our personal growth.

Am I happy? Sometimes. I'm often still very sad. Sometimes, I'm really damn angry. I still have those moments of "whoa, who am I?" But we are not one-dimensional beings with a small range of emotion. We are meant to feel. 

So, keep going. Hold on to those moments that give you life, goosebumps, tears of joy and even tears of sadness. To feel is to be, and finally, just maybe, I'm coming alive.

Part II coming soon.

Coexisting with Chronic Pain

There is a quote I've been thinking about a lot the last few days:

"Pain is always new to the sufferer, but loses its originality for those around him. Everyone will get used to it except me." - Alphonse Daudet

I've learned to navigate some parts of my life while living with chronic pain and other symptoms, but I don't think any of us ever truly get used to it. For many, pain seems to find a way to feel new, even when it's always been around. It's surprising that way.

Mine has been here for a few years now. Some days, it's just louder than others.

It creeps back in slowly -- slithering through each crack in my body, all the places I've once been broken. It comes without notice. It comes unprovoked. 

"Oh. It'll just be one of those days again," I'll think. The kind of day I sink a little deeper into my corner. I'll look for distractions, but few things will keep my attention. I'll forget to text back. Or I'll cancel my plans. I'll say, "I'm sorry, but I can't today." I'll become distant. I'll disappear for a little while.

Did I do too much? Walk too far? Stay up too late? Eat the wrong thing? Maybe.

But, truthfully, it doesn't matter because even if I play my cards just right, it finds a way to return.

"This is not your home."

I can't remember the last time I didn't have pain. Maybe sometime in 2012. There are days when I can keep it quiet, but there are days when it screams.

I say, "I am not okay with you here." But it tries to stay.

"I hear you. But can you leave now? Again, this is not your home."

I hear you.

But now, I guess I need to start listening. Because this - this I know: Pain, you being here, isn't a choice. But suffering? Maybe suffering is. 

I won't let you push me back into the shadows. I'm bigger than you. I'm bigger than that fear. Bigger than this doubt.

For now, we will coexist, and I will listen. I've made space for you, but I will keep going. And one day, you'll stay, and I'll be the one who's moving on.

So you just need to know:

This is never going to be your home.