Deep Healing Happens in Private

I've pulled back from sharing about my healing journey (or whatever you wanna call it) a lot through the last half year or so. 

It's not that I don't have things I'd love to share with you all... I've got a little journal full of ideas and in my opinion, pretty good information. But, I'm in no rush. For once, I'm letting it happen without my forced timing. 

And honestly, I've needed to step back the last few months. Simply because I realized that a lot of the deep healing happens in private. It's not all about the surface, the things I can show. It's not the medications, injections, IVs. It's not always voicing every emotion, every decision, every step forward or backwards. 

Healing can be a private friendship you create with yourself. It's willing to go back to the places that hurt the most. It's a dedication to stripping down to your bones, and still feeling strong. It's giving up your control again and again. It's accessing deep, and sometimes dark, layers. It's going places that are very hard to go. It's a willingness to try. To let go. To live lightly. It's a process of developing unwavering trust. 

It's taking chances. 

It's dismantling fear. 

It's fucking everything. 

True healing is life long if you do it right. Because healing is your growth. It's your evolution. 

I'm in this for the long haul. Who's with me?

Facing Reality: "You Are Loved"

I often think, "this is not how it's supposed to be." "No, World. No, God. No, Universe, you got this one wrong." We plan, we coordinate, we line the pieces up ever so perfectly just to have them wiped up from their surface, tumble through air, falling one by one to the ground as it takes our breath.

"Surely, this can't be how it's supposed to be." 

I'm embarrassed, because sometimes I feel really sorry for myself. Sometimes I feel abandoned by God... and that... that's the first time I've ever written that. So, I started screaming. Crying. "Show me you give a damn!" And then, again, just like the last time I threw my hands in the air and said "NO MORE!" ... There it was. That something that reminded me that love, and light, and realness, and magic, and safety... and hope... they're still here. Maybe you find it in sunshine, the way the clouds part in the sky. Maybe you find it in a raindrop, the very one that hits perfectly on the top of your nose. Maybe you see it in a loved one's eyes, the way they hold you, so your body can finally stop holding itself. 

And so you remember, again and again. It all lives: above the rainfall, along the wind, and in your skin. Yes, your fear and pain live here, too; but trust me, the good stuff goes deeper. Living in your bones, ready to be called. Scream if you have to, but a whisper will do, too. "You are loved."

 Photo by Chloe O'Neill (More Than Lyme)

Photo by Chloe O'Neill (More Than Lyme)